And after some time I started to feel his love. In a general sort of way. Just love for everyone and everything. And that was a whole new glorious sensation in and of itself.
And then I started to realize the love was aimed at me. Well I couldn’t quite come to grips with that. After all I know what I’ve done and how horrible I am. Everyone thinks I’m this wonderful adorable loving and lovable thing, but I KNOW BETTER.
But how do you argue with a God or truth about a truth and win? You don’t. So after awhile he tore down every last one of my excuses about how I wasn’t worthy and how horrible I am and I was left raw, vulnerable, wide open and surrounded by love.
I cannot, nor would I attempt, to explain how this felt. It is an intensely personal thing and it is impossible to put into words.
Once again I basked in this with tears streaming down my face. I sobbed with joy, I sobbed with pain, I sobbed for reasons I cannot to this day name. I am certain my roommates and my cat thought I was losing it. I would sit there surrounded in the pure, undiluted, unconditional and perfect love of my God.
At that moment he became my God. Mine. I subsisted upon his love for such a long time. I soaked it up. I held it around me like a security blanket. I tremulously approached him when I had done something I knew he disapproved of and it was still there. There was not one ounce of anger or frustration. Just everlasting love in its purest and most perfect form.
I had never felt anything even remotely comparable. I went from knowing I was hated and despised for everything I am, to knowing I am loved and cared for and perfect for everything I was, am, and will be. It was far more than I could have imagined. And the more I basked in it, the more comfortable I became with it, the more I realized that I really was worthy of being loved.
And so my journey to love myself had truly begun. I started seeing what was so great about myself. I started seeing just how perfectly I had been put together. I started seeing just how much work my Creator put into me before I was ever born. And I was and still am, enthralled and amazed. I am a masterpiece and the more I learned the more I saw and the more I realized how worthy I am of love.
So a few months later I started to truly love myself. It’s so hard to dislike oneself when one is surrounded by such perfect love all the time. I was on a love high. For months I lived in almost a dream. It seemed so surreal but at the same time so real. And I talked to him more and more.
But as with all things on this mortal world, it couldn’t last. It had to change or I would never grow beyond where I was. And grow I had to. Because, loved though I was for who I was at the time, there was so much more I could be. And now that I was starting to love myself, the expectations were going to get higher. But it was ok. I knew I could overcome them. I sometimes wonder now if that just the high talking.