I had figured out in my healing processes that setbacks are normal. When I was moving into a new place I didn’t know the rules. I wasn’t comfortable with what it felt like to be there. It was difficult to want to stay. So I would inevitably revert back to what I knew and was already comfortable with as I digested and processed the new.
Eventually the new would be more comfortable than the old because it was a step forward and the step back was a place I didn’t really want to be anymore. Life is like a cha cha sometimes. You have to go forward and then back before you become comfortable with the new.
But the setback from being loved unconditionally wasn’t a move into no longer being loved. It was a move into being loved and having a request for becoming more. Well, I am ok with that. Except that God has this annoying habit of asking me to go way outside of my comfort zone. And the responsibility is usually way more than I believe I can handle.
So he told me what he wanted and I freaked out. So he backed off. We had discussions about how I do things slowly and he can’t just spring things on me like that. And I felt a bit of his frustration. I am certain if I let him have the reins I would be in a completely different place than I am now and I would be loving it. But this was a setback. I am mortal. And I make mistakes.
So I pulled back a bit. And God, ever the opportunist, took this time to introduce someone into my life that would radically change everything for me as well as test my resolve. And sad to say, my resolve isn’t quite what I had hoped and bragged it to be. Still in the end I always choose God.
Now for a few months I thought this man was the one for me. He is funny, intelligent, charming, caring, attractive, etc. We connected on so many levels. I’ve known his family for years and we just never really talked much. And all of a sudden we were talking everyday and hanging out most weekends. He has drive and knows what he wants to do with his life. Well that is a whole lot different from the deadbeats I was used to dating.
So we had a few ‘dates’ and I would stay the night in the extra bed they had. And eventually we sorta tried making out. Didn’t work out that well though. I have a lot of trauma and the PTSD just kicked in. Later we talked about our relationship and he said he just wanted us to be friends. That I was more like family to him.
Well, most girls would probably have stormed off in a huff. I could tell that’s what he was afraid was going to happen. But I sat down with myself and asked myself if I really wanted something romantic. And the answer came up no. I really didn’t. Not that I haven’t had some fantasies, I mean I can still appreciate how attractive he is and I am only human after all. But when it comes right down to it, he said exactly what I needed to hear.
Family. I was like family. Hell I had no idea what that was like. Family sucked. I hated family and I had no idea how to go about having one. And here was the perfect opportunity to give it a go. But how on earth was I supposed to allow such a familial relationship with a man? I am terrified of them.