Let me flesh out the man background a bit. My father molested me about the age of one and continued to abuse me in every non-physical way you can abuse a person for the rest of my childhood, all through my teen years and almost into my thirties. (That’s right, at this time I am 33).

I also grew up with three brothers who, to this day, have some very odd ideas about who I was and am. They are abusive in their own ways.

Then there is society. Society tells me that men are superior. My church is a patriarchy. (Ideally its a combined patriarchy/matriarchy, but let’s be real. Society bends Ideals into the reality it wants no matter what). Men are in charge. Men are entitled. My goal in life is to find a man and make him happy. My other goal in life until I find a man and make him happy, is to make every man in my life happy. Oh and that does continue after I have found a man to make happy.

So men are large and in charge. I am raped at age eighteen for about six months by my ‘boyfriend’ and he thinks we had sex. I am sexually assaulted at twenty-seven. I go through therapy and start to believe I will now be able to find a man who will respect, love, trust and cherish me.

Instead I find a man who is similar to my father, except that he has the added attributes of being sensitive about not having a job because he was a convicted felon and its so hard to find a job as one of those, even though I used to work with them all the time because my boss would hire them. (This was at the embroidery shop I used to work at).

Oh and he’s a sex addict but refuses to admit it. He’d been with over fifty people before me. He used to whine about not having sex. And of course when I got pregnant then miscarried before any physical signs of pregnancy, he refused to believe me.

So I’ve had a pretty rough go with men in this life. And then the past lives showed up. (Yeah I didn’t believe in them either until they slapped me in the face and demanded my attention). In one I was strangled to death, in another raped repeatedly in an asylum type place, and in another, well I don’t have a lot of details but there was a demon and terrifying sexual things involved.

So overall I have a terrible track record with men. I sometimes have PTSD episodes over just being around men.

And now all of a sudden I have this man in my life who thinks of me as family. And funnily enough I love him so completely that my fear doesn’t keep me from wanting to talk to him or see him. This is new territory for me. And frankly, its scary.


About ajoval

I am a massage therapist. I specialize in emotional healing. I am writing this blog in hopes that my experience may help others.
This entry was posted in New Life. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Men

  1. libnich says:

    ❤ *HUG* Sadly, you've seen enough to know what a bad relationship looks and feels like. The silver lining is that now you don't have to be afraid of the good ones. Trust yourself…you are stronger and wiser than you think and you'll know deep inside (in your heart and in your soul) what you should do.

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