At the moment, my friend and I are not talking. I do not know why, I don’t know what I said or did that upset and hurt him. And I have to wait for him to decide when he wants to tell me.
It has been a year and a few months. For the first few months I once again started in on thought processes that I have been so good at keeping at bay.
It’s all my fault. What did I do? Why was I so stupid to allow myself to love and to be loved? Before his friendship it wasn’t so bad. I never truly had anything to lose.
I finally did have something to lose. I thought I couldn’t bear to live with the loss. PTSD triggers around betrayal cropped up and threw me off for awhile. Old beliefs and old coping mechanisms started cropping up and I was struggling to get by with my sanity intact.
I was sleeping all the time again and my sleeping rhythms were completely messed up.
If I knew what I had done I could have done something about it. I could take responsibility for my part in it. I could move forward and I could deal with whatever it is I need to deal with.
The hardest part for me in the healing process has always been at the beginning, when I don’t know what needs to be worked on yet. Once I know, I have a path I can follow.
So, since he has decided not to talk to me in over a year, and I could not continue to allow myself to feel the pain so deeply because, face it, I have a life, I looked at the situation and found where I could move forward until he is ready to talk.
I guess this is all part of the new life I have been creating. Learning how to cope and deal with another persons neurosis and giving them time and space to do what they need to do.
Honestly, it has taught me that I have been too immersed. Being loved by someone for the first time in my life created an intense need I thought I was doing something to fill myself. I wanted to learn the balance between being able to fulfill this need myself and needing others to help me fulfill it.
I mean, I had allowed for recognition of others who love me in the last year. I had actually allowed myself to create a family inside my heart. They love and support me and I have allowed myself to open up more to them and their love and support.
I figure this experience was one of the universe’s tests. Like always I am learned something and there must be a test to see just how well I have learned it. And while I didn’t like this test, I did learn quite a bit from it and it opened me up to more opportunities for growth.